I'm The Guy Who Eats House Flies
by The Son of Logan and Ororo
Summary: Todd is bored. So he goes to get something to eat to pass the time. (The perfect little story for Todd lovers and Kurt bashers.)


I'm The Guy (Who Eats House Flies)  
  
I do not own the characters of X-Men: Evolution. They all belong to their respective creators. I also do not own the rights to The Offspring's song Pretty Fly (For A White Guy). It belongs to them and their recording label.  
  
  
  
  
  
Life at the Brotherhood of Mutants boarding house has only two ways of operation. Insanely chaotic or brain melting boring. Unfortunately for the for residents, the latter was the current situation in control.  
  
"I'm bored, yo." informed Todd to his housemates from his ceiling resting spot.  
  
Lance looked up from his place on the couch to the youngest Brotherhood member and replied, "You are? Oh my god! I thought it was only me! Thank you for showing me the error of my thinking Toad!"  
  
Todd dropped from the ceiling onto the seat next to the oldest member of their group. "No reason to act all jerky, yo. I was just wishing there was something to do, that's all."  
  
"Why don't you ask Wanda for a date again?"  
  
Todd sighed. "Already did that. She blew out of her room with a hex bolt."  
  
"I know. That's why I suggested it. At least it will entertain me."  
  
Heralded by a rush of wind, Pietro entered the living room with his usual speed. "HowaboutwegoannoytheX-Geeks?That'salwaysfun." he suggested.  
  
Lance looked at the silver-haired mutant with a look that was clearing asking, 'are-you-truly-that-stupid?' "And how many times have we already done that this week?"  
  
Now was the time that Fred joined in on the conversation. "I think it's been eightteen. Or maybe it's nineteen."  
  
"And today is only Wednesday, yo." (I don't have to tell you who said that do I?)  
  
"Howaboutanotherpuppetshow?" (Or that one.)  
  
"NO!" yelled Lance as he sprung up off the couch onto his feet. "No more freakin' puppet shows Pietro! Does you power take away your ability to not think like a kid?"  
  
Pietro crossed his arms in front of his chest, turned his head to his left while simultaneously tilting his head so the bridge of his nose was parallel to the floor, and gave a 'Hmph' sound. (Not an easy task actually. Remember kids, all stunts in this fic were performed by professionals. DO NOT TRY THEM AT HOME!!!! I take no responsibility if you are foolish enough to attempt doing things that only mutants can do. Where were we? Oh yeah.)  
  
"You'rejustjealousbecauseyouhavenoartistictalentandcouldn'tcreateasockpuppet tosaveyourlife.Whereasminearetrueworksofart.Andbesides,I'mtheleaderandyouall havetodoasIsay."  
  
"What kind of a situation could I EVER be in that sewing button eyes onto something I wear on my feet and making it talk in a stupid voice could keep me from dying?!" Lance asked.  
  
As the current leader and the former leader of the Brotherhood of Mutants discussed the importance of sock puppets, something caught Todd's attention. He looked over at the window and saw a nice big house fly on the outside of the window pane. He smacked his lips and thought, 'If I can't find anything fun to do, might as well take a page out of Fred's book and get something to eat.' Todd hopped to the front door to venture out and get his meal.  
  
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Untem Gliben Gloussen Glauben  
  
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SCREEEEEEECH!!!!!!!  
  
(Zat's eet?! Mein vun freakin' line ees just to say zat?!)  
  
(Quiet! Or I'll write a fic where everybody at the institute gets drunk, while Logan is away of course, and you get nuetered!)  
  
Kurt quickly uses hands and tail to cover crotch. (You vouldn't!)  
  
(Try me! When people, or elves for this matter, piss me off, I can get some VERY interesting revenge. Now shoo! Shoo! Go make out with Kitty. Or Amanda. Or Tabitha. Or whomever is in that little harem of yours.)  
  
(Do you zhink you could write a fic vhere I am vith Frau' Monroe? I've alvays vanted to be with someone who can actually be mature.) Kurt slaps hands over mouth. (Did I really say zat?)  
  
I smirk looking over Kurt's left shoulder. Kurt looks at what I am looking at. An extremely pissed off looking Kitty. An extremely pissed off looking Amanda. And an extremely pissed off looking Tabitha.  
  
(So we're not mature enough for you huh?) asked Kitty.  
  
Kurt waved his hands in a completely useless attempt at keeping them away. (I didn't mean to say zat!)  
  
(Oh, so you were just going to enjoy stringing us along while you kept these desires for Miss Monroe, is that it?) asked Amanda.  
  
(NEIN!)  
  
(Boy am I glad people are starting to pair me with Ray.) said Tabitha.  
  
(At least I have Lance to go back to. Or sometimes there's Pietro. Unfortunately you're always stuck with the tadpoler here Amanda.)  
  
(How about we help out our sister-in-need Kitty?) asked Tabitha as she made a few time bombs.  
  
Kurt winced. And again. And again. (Vhy can't I 'port?)  
  
(You're in my fic now Swashbuckler. As the author, I can choose what you say and whether or not you have your powers. Think of this as revenge against your interruption to the song.)  
  
A time bomb exploded at Kurt's feet. (AHHH!!!!)  
  
(I'd run if I were you.)  
  
Kurt runs at a speed Pietro would be proud of followed by three of the most dangerous thing on Earth. An angry woman.  
  
I turn to the reading audience. (I deeply apologize for the unforseen interruption. I shall get you back to your regularly scheduled song-fic as soon as possible.)  
  
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Come to me little buggies, uh-huh, uh-huh.  
  
Come to me little buggies, uh-huh, uh-huh.  
  
Come to me little buggies, uh-huh, uh-huh.  
  
And all the girlies know I'm the guy who eats house flies.  
  
(Todd hops over to where the trash is and sees a feast of flies.)  
  
Musca domestica, you are my lunch.  
  
(Thwack! Thwack! Thwack! "Mmmm, tasty.")  
  
You know it's kind of hard just to get a meal this way. (Thwack!)  
  
No one thinks it's cool, but I do it anyway. (Thwack! Thwack!)  
  
If they're near a dead raccoon, or 'round a garbage pile, (Thwack!)  
  
I'll eat all those insects, cause that's my livin' style! (Thwack!)  
  
Now don't you hate, the way I operate. (Thwack! Thwack!)  
  
With me around you won't have insects in your face. (Thwack!)  
  
You say 'Don't do that! That's all I ask!' (Thwack!)  
  
For you, no way. For you, no way! (Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!)  
  
So if you don't like, go take a hike! (Thwack!)  
  
At least you'll know you can always buy some food you like. (Thwack! Thwack!)  
  
I never have any cash on me. (Thwack!)  
  
So, hey hey, I'll do my tongue flick thing! (Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!)  
  
(Todd hops away due to eating all the flies around the trash. He heads towards the local burger place and passes several of the X-Women.)  
  
Come to me little buggies, uh-huh, uh-huh.  
  
Come to me little buggies, uh-huh, uh-huh.  
  
Come to me little buggies, uh-huh, uh-huh.  
  
And all the girlies know i'm the guy.....  
  
(Jean, Rogue, Kitty, and Amara watch him with looks of disgust on their faces.)  
  
Who eats house flies.  
  
(Todd bounds out of their field of view and reaches the dumpster behind first fast food place he comes to.)  
  
Now I need some good bugs, not just any will suffice. (Thwack! Thwack!)  
  
Ants don't fill me up so I love those house flies. (Thwack!)  
  
Now if jocks ever see me, I gotta leave fast. (Thwack!)  
  
Cause all those asshole seniors try to kick my freshman ass!. (Thwack!)  
  
Now don't you hate, the way I operate. (Thwack! Thwack!)  
  
With me around you won't have insects in your face. (Thwack!)  
  
You say 'Don't do that! That's all I ask!' (Thwack!)  
  
For you, no way. For you, no way! (Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!)  
  
So if you don't like, go take a hike! (Thwack!)  
  
At least you'll know you can always buy some food you like. (Thwack! Thwack!)  
  
I never have any cash on me. (Thwack!)  
  
So, hey hey, I'll do my tongue flick thing! (Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!)  
  
Now I love doing this, yeah I think its real fun (Thwack!)  
  
But no one's ever with me, my party's always one. (Thwack!)  
  
My friends tell me to stop, that it makes them yack. (Thwack!)  
  
But in my own mind, flies are, flies are the dopest snack! (Thwack! Thwack!)  
  
Come to me little buggies, uh-huh, uh-huh.  
  
Come to me little buggies, uh-huh, uh-huh.  
  
Come to me little buggies, uh-huh, uh-huh.  
  
Musca domestica, you are my lunch.  
  
Now don't you hate, the way I operate. (Thwack! Thwack!)  
  
With me around you won't have insects in your face. (Thwack!)  
  
You say 'Don't do that! That's all I ask!' (Thwack!)  
  
For you, no way. For you, no way! (Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!)  
  
So if you don't like, go take a hike! (Thwack!)  
  
At least you'll know you can always buy some food you like. (Thwack! Thwack!)  
  
I never have any cash on me. (Thwack!)  
  
I wish I had some cash on me. (Thwack!)  
  
I think I'll get some cash for me. (Thwack!)  
  
But 'til then I'll do my tongue flick thing! (Thwack! Thwack! Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
When you do as much driving as I do, 93700 miles in thirteen months, you have A LOT of time to either listen to music, or think about fan fiction. Sometimes combine to two activities, and here is the end result. As for the Kurt bashing, ehh. I can't be kind to someone for too long before getting an overwhelming urge to do something completely assholic to them. If you hadn't figured it out, Musca domestica is the scientific term for the common house fly. And if you were wondering what Kitty meant by calling Kurt a 'tadpoler', tadpoling is the term used for a couple comprised of an older woman using a teenage boy for sex. 


End file.
